Management apologizes for the interruption of service. Technicians are hard at work attempting to rectify the situation in a timely manner. Your satisfaction is very important to us, so please accept these bonus songs as a free gift. Just our way of saying thanks. We also wanted to say how special and sexy you all are, like silky, sleek, muscular pumas— but HR sent an email assuring us this would lead to many lawsuits. We insisted our customers would understand, for we do not underestimate their intelligence like certain members of our HR staff (who shall remain nameless). But, like the big babies they are, these nameless staffers ran off and tattled to ownership, so we will categorically not be referring to you as smart and sexy pumas.

We don’t have to, though, do we? You know what you are.

We appreciate your loyalty and understanding.