In my head, there exists an entire movie set in 1972. From the opening title sequence to the closing credits, I can see every shot, from the burnt orange carpets to the burnt sienna leather jackets. And the soundtrack? Aw, sookie, sookie, now! Totally bitchin’. This movie puts the ‘action’ in satisfaction. Unfortunately, you’ll never see it. Not until I film the stop-motion version in my living room using nothing more than some Playmobil figures, a handful of 8-tracks, a burnt umber shag carpet, and a few back issues of Tiger Beat.

As you can probably guess, Redbone’s super-funky “The Witch Queen Of New Orleans” prominently features on my imaginary soundtrack. As the heroine enters — in slow-motion, to the opening bass riff — and moves across the floor of the casino at the Sands Hotel in Las Vegas, the camera pans up from her stiletto heels to reveal her free-flowing, tomato-red Halston dress and oversized Dior sunglasses, pulling back to introduce the two bulky bodyguards to either side of her and two more behind. Garish lights, blue eyeshadow, airplane-wing collars, more burnt colors. Walk, walk, walk, elevator, turn around, doors close, and our hero is suitably impressed. End of scene. Oscar.

Redbone – The Witch Queen Of New Orleans