Soooooo……um…..how’ve you been?

You look good.

Like, model good.

Uh….how ’bout this weather, huh?

Alright, look. I must apologize. I didn’t mean to go all Keyser Söze on you. (And like that…poof….he’s gone.) Originally the plan was to take a week or two off. But the holidays loomed and it seemed sensible to wait a little longer and simply return in January. Then we had snowstorms, and visitors, and more snowstorms, and birthdays, and more visitors, and suddenly it was spring. All my writing momentum evaporated along with our final snowflakes in April. I lost my groove, and, like Stella, I had to get it back.

I realize I’ll have to gain back your trust. We’ll take it slowly to begin with.  Here are a few things I’m sad I missed:

• Pharrell’s deal with the devil continues apace. Involved with two of last year’s biggest hits, he struck again in 2014 with the joyous and inescapable “Happy” (though why you would want to escape its CDC-level infectious grooves is beyond me).
• Miley Cyrus achieved her goal of placing the word ‘twerk’ in the official Scrabble™ dictionary, and now even your mom knows what it is. She also made the next level jump from mere singer of songs to full-time meme.
• Weird Al Yankovic achieved his first #1 album this summer. 30 summers ago my sister and I made up videos to his songs and acted them out on our driveway. Now, he’s one of only a handful of artists to have a Top 40 hit in each of four decades.
• Robin Thicke accomplished the dubious feat of following up the bestselling album of his career with his lowest selling album, a song cycle devoted to getting his estranged wife back. It didn’t work. And it sold about 5 copies. Robin’s not having the best year.
• Nothing notable seems to have happened in the world of rock, except for Gene Simmons of KISS recently declaring that “rock is finally dead.” People have been saying this since 1956.
• Justin Bieber. *closes eyes. shakes head* Oh, Justin. Vandalism. Assault. DUI. Resisting arrest. Assault again. Fleeing Orlando Bloom’s fisticuffs. It’s becoming uncomfortable, dude.
• This is the #2 song in the country right now, so you’ve probably heard it. But for  those who don’t do Top 40 radio, here’s Meghan Trainor. PS: It’s occasionally PG-13, y’all. Also, it might make you want to wear pastels.

Alright, those are just a few things off the top of my head. Now it’s time to get back to the serious work of infotaining your socks off. Buckle up yer garters, kids.

It’s been 9 months. But now I’m back…to let you know…I can really shake ’em down.